What your friends {will} tell you about birth

I have 3 friends (well, one’s a cousin too) that are due in the next month or few with their first babies!  Since friends were VITAL to me in learning what really happens in and after birth, I thought I'd write them a little letter since these thoughts are still pretty fresh in my mind. .  If you don't plan on having children any time soon, you might not want to read this. :)

My dear Audra, Laura, and Lindsey,

I was just thinking about you three and those cute baby bumps today and thought I'd say hello.  I'm so excited for these journeys you're on and am so thrilled to see you all become mommas.  As I think back over the births of Owen and Ellie, I just thought I'd share a few things with you that have been passed down to me from my friends.  It's not the glowing, you're gonna love being a mom stuff.  Which is true.  It's great.  Fabulous.  Hard.  The best thing ever.  But this is the ‘you're gonna pee your pants every time you laugh for a year’ kinda stuff.  Mostly a few details about birth that aren't in the books.  Not all of it will ring true for you. But it's always better to be warned. :)

1. There will come a time in your pregnancy when you are DONE.  Even those women who adore being pregnant reach this stage.  And you will start searching Google for things like "how to get this baby out."  And you'll start taking long walks, and eating pineapple, shrimp, and spicy food and you may even resort to doing the thing that got you in this mess in the first place. :)  But I'm a firm believer in the fact that your body will do it when it's time.  I think these things work in hindsight because you're doing them at a time when your body was already ready to give birth.  But you'll still do them (all).  And don't worry.  The baby will come out one way or another.  The last few weeks of pregnancy drag by slowly and then you blink and your baby will be a month old.
2. Losing your mucus plug does not mean that labor is close.  You can lose it up to a month before you actually meet your babe.  I did lose mine in labor with Owen but have NO idea when I lost it with Ellie.
3. When you do start labor, sometimes you'll have vomiting and diarrhea.  Really, it just adds insult to injury at this point, but sometimes your body cleans itself out before the more intense part of labor comes which can be a good thing (see #5).
4. You will NOT get through childbirth with your modestly intact.  There's just no way about it.  From the minute you get there, someone will be looking and checking and sticking their hand up your vajayjay.  During your birth there will be a number of people in your delivery depending on the setting and circumstances of how you deliver. After birth, and during your stay in the hospital the nurses will have to evaluate your perineum and bleeding; even more strangers looking at your "private parts". Not so private anymore... and there goes your modesty.
5. And speaking of modesty, in all honesty you will likely poop when you push. The muscles you're using are the same ones you do on the toilet.  So if you're pushing correctly, you will poop.  Yes, it was slightly embarrassing, but trust me you'll get over it.  And the nurses/doctors/midwives don't bat an eye (well, your photographer might).  They've seen it all.
6. Babies aren't always pretty when they're born.  They're usually pale blue or gray and sometimes have misshapen heads from their exit.  Poor Owen was so purple.  Sometimes their sweet little faces are swollen or bruised.  They're covered in blood, amniotic fluid, and vernix.  But don't worry.  You'll think they are the most beautiful thing you've ever seen.
7. You will use about 1/10th of what you pack for the hospital.  There are tons of lists out there, but all I really used were my boppy pillow, a comfy outfit to go home in, 2 outfits for the baby, my toiletries and my camera.  Oh and chapstick for your dry lips and lanolin for the sore nipples.  If you have a baby book, pack it for them to put their little foot prints in!  But really, you don't even need to pack underwear because you'll be wearing these fabulous mesh granny pants.  Speaking of those, steal everything you can from your room.  It's already on your bill, trust me.  Every diaper, paci, huge pads, and those great underwear.  Take it all. 
8. Unfortunately, once your sweet baby is born, the poking, prodding, and pain is not quite done.  You still have to push out the placenta, which while annoying, is nothing compared to what you just pushed out. Once the placenta comes out, any tears that you may have will need to be repaired. After the delivery of the placenta, the nurse will need to evaluate your bleeding closely. Every so often a "fundal massage" will be performed to push out any blood clots that remain in your uterus and prevent excessive bleeding. I put this term in quotations because the word massage implies that this is a comfortable thing. In fact, a fundal massage is when the nurse, midwife or doctor basically jump on your uterus to get it to contract. Ouch!  And that first week of nursing will also cause some painful uterus contractions.  But just remember it’s helping everything tighten up.  Bwhahaha, tighten up.  I mean yes, it’s all going to go back the way it was.  Hahahahaha.  Sorry, let’s move on.
9. May God bless you to be one of the ladies that doesn't get hemorrhoids.  I wasn't so lucky in this department.  I actually had them through most of my pregnancy and for about a month after birth.  Stool softeners, tucks pads, preparation H, and the good stuff they give you at the hospital will be your friend.  Even peeing can be a bit 'stingy' after birth!
10. Speaking of pee, expect to do it for months following birth after you laugh or cough.  Those muscles just aren't the same any more!
11. And while we're talking pee/poop, just in general it will take a good ten minutes to use the restroom.  You'll have to go ever so slow, change those monster pads, hold yourself up while praying you don't poop, apply your various creams, and then spraying yourself down with your little squirt bottle.  It will feel like you're in there for an hour. :)
12. Nursing is hard.  I’m sure if you’ve done any reading, you know this.  But really, it hurts and it’s not just second nature.  You have to work at it.   Your boobs will become about the size of footballs around a couple days after birth (different for everyone).  Warm showers and cool washcloths are a big help.  Don’t worry, the crazy porn star boobs will settle down in a couple days.  Just keep nursing.   Tickle their upper lip with your nipple and then when they open, shove your boob in.  Yes, it seems like your suffocating your baby, but that’s how you do it.  Keep at it.  Ask for help.  It gets easier.  And while not everyone likes it, there are those of us who really LOVE breastfeeding.  It’s one of my favorite things ever! 
13. Ok other mommies, what I am forgetting to tell them? Share away in the comments!

I love you ladies and cannot wait to meet Baby W, Baby P, and Ellery!  You are all going to make awesome moms and these babies are so lucky!